September 29, 2005
• Good looks do more than get you laid: The Daily says that if you look good, you are more likely to get a job. Just hope you’re not the fat one in the picture accompanying the article… Daily calls the SOURCE Editor-in-Chief to find out what happened at the 9/11 memorial ceremony. At least the Daily editors weren’t too busy fabricating their own quotes to call someone for once… But the question remains: is this the sign that the Daily is no longer making things up as it goes?
• Philanthropists gone wild: A hurricane Benefit Bash attended by over 100 people raises only $150. Maybe they could have raffled off some fundraising know-how… or taken some lessons from Bacow… In other fundraising effort news, Theta Chi brothers have been selling Mardi Gras beads to raise money for hurricane relief. The ELEPHANT supports Zeta Psi raffling off its racism… or selling bourbon body shots… or raffling off some flashing… or hiring some displaced sex-industry workers to keep them in the black… The ELEPHANT would like to buy one for President Bacow, but only in honor of the victims of course… George Bush may not care about black people, but the ELEPHANT does!
• Student governators: New freshman senators were elected recently with the usual pomp and circumstance. Again, a leading issue in this flier popularity contest was paper towels in the bathroom… The ELEPHANT just wishes he wouldn’t get confused while trying to find the right bathroom in Tilton… The TCU senate got a new website. Are the senators afraid what people will do if they find out what their representatives look like…? Or are they all truly faceless?
• The ELEPHANT is bigger and blacker: Economics Professor Edward Kutsoati said, “If we believe the geneticists who say that the first humans came from Africa, then we are all Africans.” The ELEPHANT is an African Elephant so he has already been checking the African-American box on forms for years!
• Sending thought criminals to pound me in the a** prison: The Bias Response Team advertised in the Daily asking for all people who attended the Bias rally near the end of last year to come to a meeting. The ELEPHANT wants to buy them a “jump to conclusions” mat… Either way, team members must have gone to bed early on September 10, as they weren’t around that night to protest pro-Americanism when the SOURCE painted the cannon in remembrance of 9/11 with the words “we will never forget.” … The next day, only 10 people attended early morning ceremonies at the flagpole. Apparently the bias folks also slept in. And the Tufts campus did forget.
• But the ELEPHANT never forgets.